Military Kids & Multiple Deployments: Supporting Children Through Repeated Separations

Bottom Line Up Front: Multiple deployments harder than first deployment. Kids: Cumulative stress (first deployment = scary, second = "not again", third = anger/withdrawal). Resilience factors: Strong at-home parent, routine maintenance, peer support (other military kids), therapy when needed. Warning signs: Grades decline across deployments, behavioral escalation, "I don't care anymore" attitude. Free support: Military OneSource (counseling for kids), school counselor, FOCUS (Families OverComing Under Stress program), Kids Rank, Our Military Kids. Reintegration: Harder after each deployment (kids guard emotions, fear parent will leave again). Parent must be patient, consistent, rebuild trust slowly.

How Multiple Deployments Affect Kids

First Deployment (Learning Phase)

What kids experience:

• Sadness, worry, fear
• Behavior changes (acting out, clinginess)
• But: Usually bounce back within 2-3 months of homecoming

Why it's different:

• New experience (don't know what to expect)
• Still trust parent will come home
• Novelty (countdown calendar, letters, care packages = exciting)

Second Deployment (Harder)

What kids experience:

• Anger ("Why are you leaving AGAIN?")
• Resentment ("You chose military over us")
• Less engagement (don't send letters, avoid video calls)
• Worry intensifies (first deployment = parent came home, but fear "what if this time they don't?")

Why it's harder:

• They know how hard deployment is now
• Lost trust ("You said you'd be home, now you're leaving again")
• Cumulative stress (haven't fully recovered from first deployment)

Third+ Deployments (Breaking Point for Some)

What kids experience:

• Emotional shutdown ("I don't care anymore, protect myself")
• Behavioral escalation (serious acting out, substance use in teens)
• Academic decline (grades tank, stop trying)
• Detachment from deploying parent ("Why should I bond with someone who always leaves?")

Warning signs:

• "I don't care if you deploy" (emotional protection, not truth)
• Refuse to communicate during deployment
• Act like parent doesn't exist

When to get help:

• Immediately if behavioral changes significant
• Don't wait for crisis

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Supporting Kids Through Multiple Deployments

What NOT to Do

Don't minimize:

• ❌ "You've done this before, you'll be fine"
• ✅ "I know this is hard. It's OK to be upset."

Don't compare:

• ❌ "Your friend's dad has deployed 5 times, you've only done 2"
• ✅ "This is hard for YOU, and that's what matters"

Don't expect resilience without support:

• ❌ "Military kids are tough, they'll handle it"
• ✅ "Military kids need EXTRA support because they face more than civilian kids"

What TO Do

Acknowledge cumulative stress:

• "I know this is your 3rd deployment. Each one is hard. I'm sorry."

Validate feelings:

• Anger, resentment, fear = all valid
• Don't punish emotions ("Don't be mad at Daddy for deploying!")
• Address behavior (not feelings)

Routine + stability:

• Keep same schedule (bedtime, meals, school, activities)
• Don't let deployment disrupt normal life
• Predictability = safety

Therapy:

• Multiple deployments = therapy recommended (not optional)
• Helps process feelings in safe space
• Prevents long-term issues (depression, anxiety, PTSD in kids)

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Free Resources for Military Kids

Military OneSource (For Kids)

Phone: 800-342-9647

Services for kids:

• Individual counseling (12 free sessions/year per kid)
• Group counseling (deployment support groups)
• Online resources (videos, activities, articles)

Completely free, confidential

FOCUS (Families OverComing Under Stress)

What it is:

• Evidence-based family counseling program
• Helps families cope with deployment stress
• 8-session program

Who it's for:

• Families with deployment stress
• Kids showing behavioral issues
• Parents struggling to support kids

How to access:

• Available at most bases
• Call FOCUS directly or through Military OneSource

Cost: FREE

Effectiveness: 70-80% of families report improvement

School-Based Support

Tell school about deployment:

• Teacher can watch for behavioral/academic changes
• School counselor available
• Some schools have military kid support groups

Ask for:

• Tutoring if grades slip (don't let deployment tank academics)
• Behavioral support plan (if acting out)
• Extended deadlines (if deployment disrupts home life significantly)

Kids Rank / Our Military Kids

What they do:

• Grants for activities ($500-$1,000)
• Sports, music lessons, camps
• Keeps kids engaged during deployment

Eligibility:

• Deployed parent OR
• Severely injured parent

How to apply:

• KidsRank.org
• OurMilitaryKids.org

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Reintegration After Multiple Deployments

First Deployment Homecoming

Honeymoon phase:

• Excitement, relief, joy
• "Daddy's home forever!" (kids think)

Adjustment:

• 2-6 months to reintegrate
• But kids bounce back relatively quickly

Second+ Deployment Homecoming

Guarded emotions:

• Kids don't fully celebrate ("He'll just leave again")
• Protect hearts (don't get too attached)
• Take longer to warm up (weeks vs. days)

Regaining trust:

• Kids: "You said you wouldn't leave, then you deployed again. Why should I believe you now?"
• Parent must rebuild trust (consistency, presence, time)

How deployed parent can help:

• Be patient (don't force bonding)
• Consistent presence (show up to games, school, activities)
• One-on-one time (individual dates with each kid)
• Apologize if needed ("I'm sorry I missed your birthday. I know that hurt.")

"I Don't Want to Get Attached" (Kids' Perspective)

What kids think:

• "If I love Daddy, and he deploys again, it'll hurt too much"
• "Easier to not care"

How it manifests:

• Ignoring parent
• Refusing affection
• "I don't care if you're home"

Parent response:

• Don't take it personally (it's self-protection, not rejection)
• Consistent love (even if kid doesn't reciprocate)
• Time (healing takes months/years)

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When Multiple Deployments Warrant Career Change

Is It Time to Get Out?

Signs military career is destroying family:

• Marriage falling apart (spouse threatens divorce)
• Kids in crisis (serious behavioral issues, depression, failing school)
• You're missing everything (every birthday, every milestone)
• Resentment building (kids hate the military, hate you)

Options:

• Request non-deployable assignment (recruiting, training, staff)
• Switch to Reserves/National Guard (less frequent deployments)
• Separate from military (choose family over career)

Hard truth:

• Some jobs = frequent deployments (infantry, special ops, Navy ships)
• If family can't handle it → something has to change

Decision factors:

• Years until retirement (15 years in = stay for pension?)
• Financial impact (can you afford to get out?)
• Family wellbeing (what's best for kids?)

Non-Deployable Assignments (If Staying In)

Request:

• Recruiting duty (2-3 years, no deployment)
• Training instructor (teach at base, no deployment)
• Staff assignment (Pentagon, headquarters)

Trade-offs:

• Career progression slower (non-deployable = less competitive for promotion)
• May not get preferred assignment
• But: Family stability

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Action Steps

Before Each Deployment:

1. ✅ Family meeting (tell kids 2-4 weeks before)
2. ✅ Acknowledge this is hard ("I know this is deployment #3, I'm sorry")
3. ✅ Create visual countdown (even if they've done before)
4. ✅ Set communication plan

During Deployment:

1. ✅ Maintain routine (same rules, bedtime, expectations)
2. ✅ Watch for warning signs (grades, behavior, mood)
3. ✅ Therapy if needed (Military OneSource, school counselor)
4. ✅ Connect with other deployment families (FRG, school groups)

After Deployment:

1. ✅ Reintegration time (2-6 months, longer for repeat deployments)
2. ✅ One-on-one time with each kid (rebuild bond)
3. ✅ Family therapy if struggling (FOCUS, Military OneSource)
4. ✅ Consistent presence (show up, be reliable)

If Kids Are in Crisis:

1. ✅ Immediate help (Military OneSource, TRICARE mental health)
2. ✅ Consider: Is it time to request non-deployable assignment?
3. ✅ Family counseling (all together + kids individually)

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Related Guides

• Parenting Through Deployment
• Deployment Communication & Relationships
• Mental Health for Military Kids

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Remember: Multiple deployments take cumulative toll on kids (first = hard, second = harder, third+ = potential crisis). Each deployment requires FULL support cycle (prep, communication during, reintegration after). Warning signs: Behavioral escalation, emotional shutdown, academic decline. Free resources available (Military OneSource, FOCUS, school counselor). Reintegration harder each time (kids guard emotions). Parent must be patient, consistent, rebuild trust. Consider: At what point is career not worth family damage? Some choose non-deployable assignments or separate from military. Your kids' wellbeing matters.