LGBTQ+ Relationships in Military: Rights, Benefits & Navigating Military Culture
Bottom Line Up Front: LGBTQ+ service members have full legal rights since DOMA repeal (2013) and Don't Ask Don't Tell end (2011). Same benefits as heterosexual couples: BAH, TRICARE, ID cards, base housing. Challenges: Conservative military culture (varies by unit), state-to-state PCS (legal protections vary), finding community (LGBTQ+ veterans groups). Legal protections: Equal treatment required, discrimination complaints through EO (Equal Opportunity), federal marriage recognition regardless of state. Resources: SPARTA (LGBTQ+ military organization), OutServe-SLDN, GLAD Military Project (legal help), base EO office. Thousands of LGBTQ+ service members serve openly - you're not alone.
Legal Rights (Full Equality Since 2013)
Marriage Benefits (All Couples)
Same-sex married couples get:
- ✅ BAH with-dependent rate (same as opposite-sex)
- ✅ TRICARE for spouse (full coverage)
- ✅ Base housing (family housing)
- ✅ Dependent ID card (base access, commissary)
- ✅ SBP (Survivor Benefit Plan - spouse gets pension if you die)
- ✅ SGLI beneficiary ($500K life insurance)
No difference: Same benefits, same process
Applies regardless of state:
- Federal benefits (BAH, TRICARE) apply even in states that don't recognize same-sex marriage
- Federal law overrides state law for military
Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) Ended 2011
Before 2011:
- Closeted service (couldn't be openly LGBTQ+)
- Discharged if discovered
After 2011:
- Can serve openly
- Protected from discrimination
- Can marry, bring spouse to military events, live openly
Impact:
- 14,000+ discharged under DADT (1994-2011)
- Many now eligible for VA benefits (discharge characterization upgrades available)
Military Culture & Coming Out
Culture Varies by Unit/Branch
More accepting:
- Large bases (Fort Bragg, Fort Hood, Camp Pendleton)
- Urban areas (bases near cities)
- Support/admin jobs (medical, intel, logistics)
- Some branches perceived as more accepting (Air Force, Coast Guard)
Less accepting:
- Small remote bases
- Combat arms (infantry, special ops - though changing)
- Conservative leadership
- Rural locations
Reality:
- Depends more on unit leadership than branch/location
- Supportive commander = supportive unit
- Toxic commander = toxic culture
To Come Out or Not?
Factors to consider:
- Unit culture (progressive or conservative?)
- Your comfort level (are you ready?)
- Career impact (seeking promotion? deployment coming?)
- Support network (friends in unit you trust?)
Options:
- Fully out (open with everyone)
- Selectively out (close friends know, leadership doesn't)
- Closeted (not ready to share)
All valid choices: Your personal decision, your timeline
If You Come Out
Protections:
- Discrimination = illegal (Equal Opportunity violation)
- Harassment = reportable (EO complaint)
- Retaliation = prohibited (file IG complaint)
Reality:
- Some units: Fully accepting, no issues
- Other units: Microaggressions, subtle hostility
- Rare but possible: Overt discrimination (report to EO immediately)
Support:
- Find LGBTQ+ allies in unit (they exist, even if quiet)
- Connect with SPARTA (LGBTQ+ military organization)
- Base EO office (report discrimination)
Relationships & Benefits
Same-Sex Marriage & BAH
How it works:
- Married = with-dependent BAH (regardless of gender)
- Same process as opposite-sex couples
Updating DEERS:
- Bring marriage certificate to ID card office
- Enroll spouse in DEERS (within 30 days)
- Spouse gets dependent ID
BAH adjustment:
- Automatically updated to with-dependent rate (once spouse in DEERS)
- Effective date: Date of marriage
No different than opposite-sex couples
Adoption & Parental Leave
Second-parent adoption:
- One partner biological parent (via surrogacy, previous relationship)
- Other partner adopts child (legal parentage)
Parental leave:
- Birth parent: 12 weeks (primary caregiver leave)
- Non-birth parent: 12 weeks (primary or secondary caregiver)
- Adoption: 12 weeks for both parents (if primary caregiver)
Same as opposite-sex couples
Challenges Specific to LGBTQ+ Military
PCS to Conservative States
Concern:
- PCS from California (liberal) to Texas (conservative)
- State has fewer LGBTQ+ protections
- Hostile local culture off-base
Reality:
- Federal military benefits protected (can't be taken by state)
- But: Local discrimination possible (housing, schools, community)
Mitigation:
- Research area LGBTQ+ friendliness (Human Rights Campaign state scorecards)
- Find LGBTQ+ community (meetup groups, pride centers)
- Live on-base if off-base feels unsafe (base housing = federal protections)
Don't Ask Don't Tell Discharge Upgrades
If discharged under DADT (before 2011):
- May be eligible for discharge characterization upgrade
- Upgrade: Other Than Honorable → Honorable
- Unlocks: VA benefits, GI Bill, VA home loans
How to apply:
- Discharge Review Board (each branch has own)
- Submit: Application, service records, statement explaining DADT discharge
- DADT upgrade requests = high approval rate (80%+)
Timeline: 6-12 months for decision
Transgender Service Members
Policy (as of 2025):
- Policies have fluctuated (Trump admin banned 2017, Biden reversed 2021)
- Current: Transgender service members CAN serve openly
- Medical transition: Covered by TRICARE (case-by-case)
Challenges:
- Policy instability (changes with administration)
- Some units more accepting than others
- Medical treatment access varies
Resources:
- SPARTA (advocacy)
- GLAD Military Project (legal help)
- Modern Military Association of America (MMAA)
Finding LGBTQ+ Community (Military)
On-Base Resources
Equal Opportunity (EO) Office:
- Reports discrimination
- LGBTQ+ awareness training
- Can connect you to resources
Base chapel:
- Some bases have inclusive chaplains
- Not all chaplains are accepting (find the right one)
MWR events:
- Pride month events (June - some bases celebrate)
Off-Base Community
Local LGBTQ+ centers:
- Pride centers, meetup groups
- Google "[City] LGBT center"
Military-specific:
- SPARTA: LGBTQ+ military organization, chapters nationwide
- OutServe-SLDN: Veteran-focused
- American Military Partner Association (AMPA): For LGBTQ+ military families
Online:
- Facebook groups ([Base Name] LGBT)
- Reddit: r/MilitaryLGBT
- Instagram: #LGBTQMilitary
Deployment & LGBTQ+ Relationships
Unique Concerns
If not out:
- Deployment communication = hard (can't talk openly about partner)
- Letters censored (if you mention relationship)
If out:
- Most deployment communication = fine
- Care packages: Include partner's letters/photos (same as straight couples)
- Video calls: Same access
Homecoming:
- Public displays of affection (kissing at homecoming) = your choice
- Some couples: Public, others: Private (comfort level varies)
Unit Support (Or Lack Thereof)
Best case:
- Unit fully supportive
- Partner invited to unit events
- Treated same as opposite-sex couples
Worst case:
- Excluded from social events
- Microaggressions, comments
- Partner not welcomed
Your options:
- Report (EO complaint)
- Find different social circle (outside unit)
- Request transfer (if toxic environment)
Marriage Preparation (Legal Considerations)
Where to Marry
All states recognize same-sex marriage (federal law since 2015)
But:
- Some states have "religious freedom" laws (vendors can refuse service)
- Conservative states = harder to find wedding vendors
Recommendation:
- Marry in LGBTQ-friendly state OR on base (base chapel, if accepting chaplain available)
Pre-Marriage Financial Planning
Same considerations as opposite-sex couples:
- Finances (combine or separate accounts?)
- Career (both staying in military? One getting out?)
- Kids (adoption? Surrogacy? Timeline?)
Unique:
- Legal parentage (second-parent adoption if one is biological parent)
- Surrogacy costs ($100K-$150K if using - plan financially)
Action Steps
If You're LGBTQ+ and Considering Military Service:
- ✅ Research: Branch culture, base locations
- ✅ Connect with LGBTQ+ vets (SPARTA, OutServe-SLDN)
- ✅ Understand rights (full equality under federal law)
If You're Active Duty and Closeted:
- ✅ Take your time (come out when YOU'RE ready)
- ✅ Build support network (LGBTQ+ friends, affirming chaplain)
- ✅ Know your rights (EO protections)
If You're Experiencing Discrimination:
- ✅ Document (dates, incidents, witnesses)
- ✅ Report to EO office
- ✅ Contact SPARTA or GLAD for legal support (if needed)
If You're Getting Married:
- ✅ Update DEERS (enroll spouse)
- ✅ Update beneficiaries (SGLI, TSP)
- ✅ Plan for PCS together (request co-location)
Related Guides
Remember: LGBTQ+ service members have full legal rights and benefits (since 2013). Discrimination is illegal (report to EO). Culture varies by unit (some accepting, some challenging). You're not alone - thousands of LGBTQ+ service members serve proudly. Resources available (SPARTA, OutServe-SLDN, GLAD). Marriage benefits same as opposite-sex couples (BAH, TRICARE, ID cards). Come out on your timeline (your choice, your comfort level). You deserve to serve authentically.