Co-Parenting After Military Divorce: Custody, Communication & Cooperation

Bottom Line Up Front: Military divorce co-parenting challenges: Frequent PCS (child custody across state lines), deployments (temporary custody modifications), BAH impact (lose with-dependent rate if kids live with ex). Successful co-parenting requires: Detailed parenting plan (deployment clauses, PCS clauses, communication schedule), OurFamilyWizard app (documented communication), flexibility (military schedule changes), putting kids first. Standard custody: 50/50 if both local, primary custody to stable parent if one deploys frequently. Child support: Based on state law + military income (BAH, BAS included). Legal protection: SCRA prevents losing custody solely due to deployment/PCS.

Military Co-Parenting Unique Challenges

PCS (Permanent Change of Station)

Problem:

• You divorce, establish custody (50/50 split)
• You get PCS orders (Texas → Germany)
• Ex refuses to allow kids to move internationally
• You must choose: Career (accept orders) or custody (decline orders, maybe separate from military)

Legal reality:

• Courts favor stability for kids
• Non-military parent often wins (they're not moving)
• You lose 50/50 custody, get visitation instead

Mitigation:

• Negotiate in divorce: What happens when you PCS?
• Some agreements: Kids move with you if CONUS, stay with ex if OCONUS
• Other agreements: Primary custody to whoever has stable location

Deployment

Problem:

• You have primary custody
• You deploy for 9 months
• Kids need care (can't go to daycare alone)
• Ex wants full custody

Legal protection (SCRA):

• Temporary custody modification (NOT permanent)
• Kids stay with ex during deployment
• Custody reverts to original agreement when you return
• Can't lose custody permanently JUST because you deployed

Parenting plan must include:

• Deployment clause (temporary custody to ex)
• Communication plan (video calls while deployed)
• Reintegration plan (gradual return to normal schedule after homecoming)

BAH (Housing Allowance) Impact

Custody affects BAH:

• Kids live with you >50% time = WITH-dependent BAH (higher rate)
• Kids live with ex >50% time = WITHOUT-dependent BAH (lower rate)

Example (E-6 San Diego):

• With-dependent BAH: $3,243/month
• Without-dependent BAH: $2,427/month
• Difference: $816/month = $9,792/year

Child support implications:

• If you lose custody → lose higher BAH → less money for child support

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Creating Military-Friendly Parenting Plan

Standard Parenting Plan (Civilian Divorce)

Typical:

• 50/50 custody (week on/week off)
• Holidays alternate (Thanksgiving with Mom, Christmas with Dad)
• Both parents live in same city
• Schedule is predictable

Doesn't work for military:

• PCS moves you across country (can't do week-on/week-off from 1,000 miles away)
• Deployments disrupt schedule
• Duty schedule unpredictable (shift work, TDY, training)

Military-Specific Parenting Plan Clauses

1. PCS Clause (Critical)

Example language: "If military parent receives PCS orders:

• CONUS PCS: Children will move with military parent if relocation is in children's best interest. Non-military parent gets extended visitation (summers, holidays).
• OCONUS PCS: Children remain with non-military parent. Military parent gets visitation during leave/R&R.
• 60 days notice required before PCS."

Why this matters:

• Pre-negotiated (avoids court battle every PCS)
• Protects military career (can accept orders without custody fight)
• Protects kids (stability, plan ahead)

2. Deployment Clause

Example language: "During deployment (>30 days):

• Temporary custody modification: Non-military parent has physical custody
• Communication: Military parent will video call weekly (if possible, not guaranteed due to OPSEC/WiFi)
• Post-deployment: Custody reverts to original schedule within 30 days of return
• Reintegration period: First 2 weeks, children visit military parent for 2 hours daily before resuming full custody"

Why this matters:

• SCRA protection (temporary, not permanent)
• Kids have care during deployment
• Military parent maintains relationship

3. Communication Schedule

Example:

• Phone/video calls: Daily at 7 PM (or reasonable time)
• Texting: Unlimited (both parents can text kids)
• Email: Weekly update from custodial parent to non-custodial (kid's activities, school, health)

Enforcement:

• If one parent blocks communication, other can file contempt (court enforces)

4. Decision-Making Authority

Joint legal custody (both parents decide):

• Education (school choice, tutoring)
• Healthcare (doctors, procedures, medications)
• Religion (church attendance, religious education)
• Extracurricular (sports, activities)

Emergency: Parent with physical custody makes immediate decisions, notifies other parent ASAP

5. Holiday/Vacation Schedule

Example:

• Thanksgiving: Odd years with Mom, Even years with Dad
• Christmas: Split (Dec 23-26 with Mom, Dec 27-30 with Dad, alternate yearly)
• Spring Break: Alternate yearly
• Summer: Each parent gets 2-4 weeks uninterrupted

Military modification:

• Military parent gets extended summer visitation (if stationed far away)
• Flexibility for deployment (if deployed during "their" holiday, get makeup time later)

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Communication Tools for Co-Parenting

OurFamilyWizard App (Highly Recommended)

What it is:

• Court-admissible co-parenting app
• All communication documented
• Can't delete messages (prevents lying about what was said)

Features:

• Messaging (tone meter - flags hostile language)
• Shared calendar (visitation, activities, appointments)
• Expense tracking (split costs, document child support)
• Information bank (medical records, school info, shared access)

Cost: $99/year per parent

Why use it:

• Reduces conflict (forces professional tone)
• Documented (if ex violates custody, you have proof)
• Court-friendly (judges prefer OurFamilyWizard over "he said, she said")

Email/Text Boundaries

Do:

• ✅ Keep communication kid-focused ("soccer practice 4 PM Tuesday")
• ✅ Business-like tone (pretend it's a work email)
• ✅ Document important conversations (email better than phone for records)

Don't:

• ❌ Argue via text (escalates quickly)
• ❌ Bad-mouth ex (kids may see messages)
• ❌ Use kids as messengers ("Tell your mom...")

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Custody Arrangements for Different Military Situations

Both Parents Military (Dual Military Divorce)

Challenges:

• Both PCS unpredictably
• Both deploy
• Who gets kids when both deploy simultaneously?

Typical arrangement:

• Primary custody: Parent with more stable assignment (shore duty vs sea duty, non-deployable vs deployable)
• Deployment: Kids go to other parent (if not deployed)
• Both deploy: Kids go to designated guardian (grandparents, family member - MUST be in divorce decree)

One Parent Military, One Civilian

Most common arrangement:

• Civilian parent: Primary physical custody (stability)
• Military parent: Visitation (weekends, extended summer)

Why:

• Courts prefer stability (civilian parent not moving/deploying)
• Military parent's schedule unpredictable

Exception:

• If military parent has stable assignment (recruiting duty, instructor) + civilian ex is unstable (drugs, unemployment) = military parent may get primary custody

Long-Distance Co-Parenting

Reality:

• Military parent PCS to California
• Ex (with kids) in Virginia
• Can't do week-on/week-off from 3,000 miles away

Typical schedule:

• School year: Kids with custodial parent (usually ex)
• Summer: Kids with military parent (4-8 weeks)
• Holidays: Alternate (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break)
• Communication: Daily video calls

Costs:

• Travel (flights for visitation)
• Usually split 50/50 OR military parent pays (depends on divorce decree)

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Child Support & Military Income

What's Included in Military Income (For Child Support)

Included:

• Base pay
• BAH (housing allowance)
• BAS (food allowance)
• Hazard pay/imminent danger pay
• Bonuses (re-enlistment bonus usually included)

Excluded:

• Combat zone tax exclusion (but income still counts, just not taxed)

Child Support Calculation

Varies by state:

• Some states: % of income (ex: 20% for 1 child, 25% for 2 children)
• Other states: "Income shares" model (complex calculation)

Example (E-6, $70K total comp, 1 child, California):

• Base pay: $45K
• BAH: $24K
• BAS: $5K
• Total income: $74K
• California guideline: ~18-20% = $13,320/year = $1,110/month

Modification (If Income Changes)

Can modify child support if:

• Significant income change (promotion, reduction in rank)
• Custody change (kids now live with you >50% time)
• Kids' needs change (medical expenses, special needs)

How to modify:

• File motion with family court
• Show changed circumstances
• Court recalculates

Don't:

• ❌ Just stop paying (contempt of court)
• ❌ Reduce payment on your own (must be court-ordered)

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Common Co-Parenting Mistakes

❌ Mistake #1: Using Kids as Messengers

Reality:

• "Tell your dad he needs to pay child support"
• "Tell your mom she's a terrible parent"

Impact on kids:

• Anxiety (caught in middle)
• Loyalty conflict (love both parents)
• Emotional damage

Fix: Adult communication (OurFamilyWizard, email, text - NOT through kids)

❌ Mistake #2: Bad-Mouthing Ex to/Around Kids

Reality:

• "Your mom ruined our family"
• "Your dad never loved you, he only cares about the military"

Impact:

• Kids internalize ("If Dad hates Mom, and I'm half-Mom, does he hate me too?")
• Anxiety, depression
• Damaged relationship with BOTH parents

Fix: No negative talk (even if you think kid can't hear)

❌ Mistake #3: Refusing to Be Flexible

Reality:

• Military parent: "I have duty, can I switch weekends?"
• Ex: "No. Divorce decree says this weekend, tough luck."

Impact:

• Kids miss time with parent
• Increased conflict
• Military parent may seek custody modification (court doesn't like inflexibility)

Fix: Reasonable flexibility (makeup time for missed visits)

❌ Mistake #4: Withholding Visitation Over Child Support

Reality:

• Military parent behind on child support
• Ex: "You can't see kids until you pay"

Legal reality:

• Visitation and child support are SEPARATE legal issues
• Can't withhold visitation (contempt of court)

Fix:

• File contempt for unpaid child support (court enforces)
• Don't punish kids (they need relationship with both parents)

❌ Mistake #5: Not Updating Parenting Plan for PCS/Deployment

Reality:

• PCS to Alaska from Texas
• Old parenting plan says "kids with Mom week 1, Dad week 2"
• Impossible from 3,000 miles away
• Neither updates plan, conflict ensues

Fix: File modification BEFORE PCS (update for long-distance custody)

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Action Steps

During Divorce:

1. ✅ Hire lawyer familiar with military divorce (base legal or civilian specialist)
2. ✅ Include PCS clause in parenting plan
3. ✅ Include deployment clause
4. ✅ Define communication schedule

After Divorce:

1. ✅ Use OurFamilyWizard app (documented communication)
2. ✅ Follow parenting plan exactly (build track record of compliance)
3. ✅ Be flexible when reasonable (military schedule changes happen)

Before PCS:

1. ✅ Notify ex ASAP (60+ days if possible)
2. ✅ Review parenting plan PCS clause
3. ✅ File modification if needed (update custody for distance)

Before Deployment:

1. ✅ Notify ex (as soon as you know)
2. ✅ Review deployment clause (temporary custody modification)
3. ✅ Arrange communication plan (video calls, letters)

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Related Guides

• Military Divorce, BAH & Retirement
• Parenting Through Deployment
• Blended Families Military Guide

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Remember: Military co-parenting is harder than civilian (PCS, deployments, unpredictable schedule). Detailed parenting plan with military-specific clauses is critical (PCS clause, deployment clause). Communication tools (OurFamilyWizard) reduce conflict. Flexibility is key (both ways - both parents accommodate schedule changes). Put kids first (not winning against ex). SCRA protects you from losing custody solely due to deployment. Update plan before major changes (PCS, deployment). Thousands of military divorced parents successfully co-parent - you can too.